Leave it to Sorrow
by Gai
Summary: A look into the lives of the Sorrow, Boss, and Ocelot family in the style of a 1950 sitcom.
1. Worst Chapter Yet

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid. In case there was any confusion concerning that.

Announcer: Leave it to Sorrow is filmed in front of a live studio audience!

Ocelot: (enters) Father, I've received my report card showing my grades at school, which I'm required to present to you.

The Sorrow: (sitting in his chair making a noose) What?

(audience laughs)

The Sorrow: (looking at Ocelot's grades) C- in espionage? D in close-quarters combat? And how did you get an F in torture? I thought that was your favorite class.

Ocelot: I'm sorry, Father, I guess I'm just not very smart.

The Sorrow: Sad...so sad...

Ocelot: (scheming to himself) Father thinks I'm failing in school, but in truth those are false documents, for my real report card shows that I am at the top of my class, so in thinking that I'm an imbecile, Father will underestimate me, thus failing to foresee my betrayal in the near future, when I-

The Sorrow: What was that, Ocelot?

Ocelot: Nothing, Father.

The Sorrow: I must say I'm disappointed in you, my son, I would think you'd take this more seriously than that. You have to learn that school is important to your future, because if you graduate from high school, you can try to go to college...though your mother and I probably wouldn't be able to afford to pay for your tuition...but you could get a scholarship...however I doubt you'd be able to pay it off, as I can tell just by looking at your grades that you'll never have much of a chance of getting a high-paying job...though even if you do, it won't matter, really...you'll just be making money that you'll never get to enjoy, because your life will be consumed by your job...I suppose you can try to throw cash around on frivolous little things...but it won't matter...you'll already be dead inside...

Ocelot: ...

(The Boss enters)

The Boss: Ocelot, what have you to report on the opposition?

Ocelot: You have nothing to fear, Mother, I've monitored them all very closely, and I can assure you that they shall cause you no trouble.

The Boss: Good work. Then it seems that we'll surely crush our enemies this time.

The Sorrow: This isn't about the competition again, is it?

The Boss: We can't allow ourselves to slack off against our opponents, overconfidence is the greatest mistake one can make on or off the battlefied.

Ocelot: Exactly, Mother. (scheming to himself again) Mother thinks I am working for Mrs. Emmerich as an agent while really working for her as a double agent, but I'm in fact working for Mrs. Emmerich as a triple agent, pretending to betray her so that I can deceive Mother into thinking I'm simply a double agent who she can confide into, yet what Mrs. Emmerich doesn't realize is that I am in fact not really a triple agent, but...wait. Who am I working for?

The Sorrow: ...Son, I need to have a word with your mother, so you run along now and enjoy the few remaining moments of happiness your childhood allows.

Ocelot: Yes, Father. (leaves)

The Sorrow: Boss, don't you think you're getting carried away with a simple bake sale?

The Boss: Carried away? You can never get carried away when your goal is victory, competition is what causes humanity to strive for greatness.

The Sorrow: But why a bake sale? You don't even know how to cook, all we ever eat for dinner is your supply of military rations.

The Boss: Rations are an important source of nutrition, providing a balanced meal that allows for a well maintained diet, as well as being easily stored and lasting for-

The Sorrow: Yes, yes...I know. You've told me before. You go have fun with your little bake sale.

The Boss: Thank you. (considers kissing The Sorrow, but instead decides upon a handshake)

(The Boss leaves)

The Sorrow: Now where was I? (looks down at noose) Oh, that's right...

(doorbell rings)

The Sorrow: (getting up) Typical of my luck, not even finding the time to...

(The Sorrow opens the door)

The Fear: Hey, buddy!

(audience cheers)

The Sorrow: Oh...hello.

The Fear: What's wrong, pal? You seem depressed. Again.

The Sorrow: It's...it's nothing.

The Fear: It's the family, ain't it?

The Sorrow: ...Yes.

The Fear: That's married life, I warned you. Not like me, when I see a girl I like, we get it on that night!

(audience cheers)

The Sorrow: That's not what...

The Fear: ...and then, after we're done, I always like to tie her up, and she thinks I'm just being kinky, but then I...

The Sorrow: ...

The Fear: ...of course the hard part is cleaning up all the evidence...though there's certainly nothing clean about it...heh...

The Sorrow: ...

The Fear: ...heh heh...evisceration.

The Sorrow: ...

The Fear: ...hey, why don't we go out for a drink with the rest of the Cobras?

The Sorrow: No thanks, I prefer to drink alone...

The Fear: Come on, just us guys, it'll be fun!

The Sorrow: I don't believe in fun, I like to dwell over the miserable, meaningless existance we lead as humans, pitifully walking to our own dreary deaths...

The Fear: ...

(The Boss returns)

The Boss: By the way, I'll need you to pick up four kilos of heroin for the cookies I'm baking.

The Sorrow: Heroin?

The Boss: Heroin is a highly addictive substance, which should give me the edge over that Emmerich bitch.

The Sorrow: ...

(at the Grozny Grad bar)

The Sorrow: ...sad...my life is so sad...

The Fear: (takes a drink of his beer) So then kill yourself, buddy, it's the easy way out. No divorce, no child support, no messy stuff.

The Sorrow: ...no...the afterlife is no less unpleasant than this world...an endless sea of anguish and misery...an eternal resting place for those who have damned themselves during their lifetimes, bastards of god such as ourselves...be wary, my friend, for the dead are not silent...

(phone rings)

Bartender (answers it) : ...is there someone here named Sorrow?

The Sorrow: ...

(The Sorrow slowly answers the phone)

The Sorrow: ...hello? ...no, I don't want to join The Cardboard Box of the Week Club. (hangs up)

(The Fury enters)

The Fury: Hey, why didn't you bastards tell me you were down here getting a drink, thought you were too damn good for me?

(The Fury is furious. As usual)

The Fear: Hey Fury, I'm just tryin' to cheer Sorrow up.

The Fury: Cheer him up? What the hell does he have to be upset about? He's got a wife and kid, his own house, a steady job, it...it just makes me so mad!

The Fear: There's nothing good about having a family, it just means an unending hell of commitment, a wife's nothing more than a ball and chain.

Fury: (CENSORED) that! If I had a wife, she'd do everything I say, and I'd be the king! I wouldn't take no shit from my woman! This is pathetic, crying his brains out when he should be laying down the law!

(The Fury starts fuming. Literally)

Bartender: Hey, there's no smoking allowed in here! Get out!

The Fury: Get out? Who the (CENSORED) do you think you are, the (CENSORED)ing bartender or something?

Bartender: Yes.

The Fury: Alright! I'll go! But I'll see you in the fires of hell!

(The Fury storms off in a fury)

Announcer: Leave it to Sorrow will be right back after this commercial break!

(The Pain is scratching all over)

The Pain: IT ITCHES! THE PAIN!

Announcer: Hey, you there!

The Pain: (stops scratching and looks at camera) Huh?

Announcer: Do you have problems with itching, rashes, or other forms of skin irritation?

The Pain: No, I just like touching myself while talking to myself. Of course I do, you dumbass!

Announcer: Then you need Fox-Hound Anti-Itch Powder!

(The Pain tries it)

The Pain: It feels...better. What's this made from?

Announcer: Morphine.

The Pain: Oh man...OH MAN...that's nice...it's...it's like I'm in Outer Heaven...

Announcer: Fox-Hound Anti-Itch Powder! The strength you need, the label you trust!

Announcer (A different announcer. Don't get confused) : And now back to Leave it to Sorrow!

The Sorrow: ...there's been something I've been wondering about for a while now...why do we use bombs to kill ourselves when we're captured?

The Fear: Huh. You know, I never actually thought about that before. I think it was The End's idea, you should ask him.

(The Fear looks around)

The Fear: ...hey, have you seen The End lately?

(at the local hospital)

Doctor: Mr. End-

The End: THE End.

Doctor: ...Mr. The End, I'm afraid you have Cancer.

The End: ...how long do I have?

Doctor: (looks at watch) 3 hours. (looks back down at watch) ...no, my mistake. I forgot to set my watch. You have ten minutes.

The End: I see... (pulls out remote)

(hospital blows up)

The Fear: ..I'm sure he's alright.

(The Fear smells something)

The Fear: Hey...is that smoke?

(Five minutes later, after The Fear has dragged The Sorrow, who wished to stay, out of the burning building)

The Fear: Wow...look at that. It's beautiful, ain't it?

The Sorrow: You know, you really didn't have to block the door from the outside so no one else could escape.

The Fear: No, I guess I didn't HAVE to...

The Fury: How do you like your (CENSORED)ing bar now, you son of a bitch? I see a lot of smoke from where I'm standing, you self-righteous bastard!

The Fear: Hah hah! What can I say, that's my Fury!

(The End appears like Porky Pig at the end of the credits)

The End: This is THE END.

(End of Chapter 1. Or The End(not the character). I don't know. Depends on reviews)

If you bothered to take the time to read this, you might as well review. It'd probably only take a few seconds. I mean you wasted at least five minutes reading this crap. A little more time won't kill you.


	2. This Works Better When Read Phonetically

**This Story Works Better When Read Phonetically**

Disclaimer: Okay. Last chapter I said I didn't own the rights to the Metal Gear series. A few nights ago, however, I had an incident involving a bong, three blocks of hash, and a sombrero, and some...pretty crazy shit happened. So, uh...I might own the rights now. I don't know. Maybe. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly happened that night.

Announcer: And now for another exciting episode of Leave it to Sorrow!

(The Sorrow enters, clothes torn and covered in debris)

The Sorrow: Boss, I assume you've taken it upon yourself to surround the house with land mines.

The Boss: That's right, I felt a mine field surrounding the base would help secure the perimeter.

The Sorrow: Perhaps, but as inventive as surrounding 'the base' with mines was, I can't help but think how much I'd have appreciated it if you had forewarned me of this.

The Boss: I did, you can't tell me that you don't recall the messanger boy I sent to deliver you the news.

The Sorrow: Messanger boy?

Ocelot: (puts down newspaper) Oh, sorry about that, guess I just 'forgot'. (goes back to reading)

The Sorrow: (sighs) At least Big Boss's boy was nice enough to just put him out of his...

(doorbell rings)

The Sorrow: I can only hope that's the Reaper himself... (opens the door)

Volgin: Good day...Sorrow, is it?

The Sorrow: Colonol Volgin? What are you doing here?

Volgin: I'm sure you're already aware of the upcoming election...

The Sorrow: Not really, I tend to stay out of politics, it's nothing but a system of corruption and bribery, allowing the rich to establish a government that only they want...

Volgin: That may be so, but the next election is fast approaching, and this year I'm running.

The Boss: You're running against Kruschev?

Volgin: Yes, that's right, I'll be the one to overthrow that damned flip-flop Kruschev!

Ocelot: You? Why would anyone elect the man who destroyed a Russian base during the Virtuous Mission?

Volgin: I didn't destroy it, I liberated it.

(audience laughs)

Volgin: Now allow me to introduce my campaign manager. You might remember your old comrade ...

(a shadowy figure steps forward)

The Sorrow and The Boss: The Asshole!

The Asshole: Hello, Boss.

The Boss: ...hello, Asshole.

Volgin: Boss, you don't seem to be too comfortable around your former Cobra teammate. Oh, that's right, you two didn't part on the best of terms, did you?

The Boss: I have nothing to say to him! Not since he blew my cover during the Snake Eater Operation, revealing my role as an undercover agent!

The Asshole: Blew your cover? I never even mentioned your name! I merely said "Sorrow's wife"! That could have been any Sorrow!

Volgin: You can go back to the car now, Karl.

The Asshole: Yes, Master. (scuttles off)

Volgin: He is a worm, isn't he? He'll provide my campaign with all the dirty, underhanded, slanderous technics I need to win this election.

The Sorrow: So why did you bother coming into the presence of such a lowly, broken man as myself?

Volgin: I was thinking about recruiting you for the campaign, you would be perfect at creating unrest with the people over Kruschev's rule. It's so easy to put a negative spin on things if you know how to do it. For example, do you know he was the one to establish a minimum wage?

The Sorrow: What's wrong with that? It was an attempt to give working families the chance to support themselves.

Volgin: Bah! By forcing employers to increase the amount they spend on the working class, it causes them to go out of business!

(The Sorrow and The Boss look skeptical)

Volgin: Well...it forces them to put off buying their new summer home.

The Sorrow and The Boss: ...

Volgin: ...okay, they can still afford a new summer home, but that money would have gone to their new yacht.

The Sorrow: ...I'm sorry, but I just can't accept your offer, I'm really not good with people who are still alive.

Volgin: Oh, so that's how it is, is it? Fine, then go ahead, turn on your own nation, you dirty cappy! Go back to America with the rest of you capitalism loving symphathizers! You make me sick!

(Volgin leaves, slamming the door behind him)

Announcer: Leave it to Sorrow will be right back after this important message from our sponsors. Okay, so they're not important. It's just a bunch of stupid commercials. I hate them too. But guess what? We need money. We aren't goddamn PBS. Shit, you people make me sick.

(Aleksandr Leonovitch Granin is seen sitting on a desk)

Granin: People of the great Soviet estate, tonight it is my intention to bring you an announcement of grave importance.

(Granin stands up)

Granin: I am not Larry Flynt. I have legs. See?

(Granin pats his legs)

Granin: So...remember that.

(Granin stands around for a bit)

Granin: ...I see I still have a few minutes before the airtime I paid for runs out. So...uh...you like my shoes?

(Granin stalls for a minute)

Granin: ...hey, do you know the difference between capitalist scientists and communist scientists? When a capitalist scientist is fired, they get a pension check. When a communist scientist is fired, they get executed.

(Granin stands around for a few more seconds)

Granin: ...

(Granin walks off)

Announcer: And now back to Leave it to Sorrow!

The Boss: I really think you should consider taking that job, Sorrow.

The Sorrow: Boss, you know I hate politics...

The Boss: The political system is essential to today's society, it's what allows the people to select their leaders, allowing them to take part in the governing of their town, district, or...

The Sorrow: I'm sorry, but I'm really not a people person.

The Boss: Neither is Volgin, but that's not stopping him from running for office.

The Sorrow: I just don't have social skills, I'm afraid. Nor am I any good with words...

The Boss: I'm fully aware of that, I haven't exactly forgotten the time you proposed to me...

(FLASHBACK)

The Sorrow: Boss, there's something I've been meaning to ask you...

The Boss: What is it?

The Sorrow: We've known each other for quite some time, and I've been thinking about marriage...

The Boss: Sorrow...of course I'll-

The Sorrow: The thing is...you're not getting any younger. I mean, you're over 40, right?

The Boss: Yes...

The Sorrow: Look, at this point in your life you really don't have a lot of options. I'm pretty much the best choice you've got.

The Boss: ...

The Sorrow: I...just wanted to make sure you realized that...

The Boss: ...

The Sorrow: So, uh...you want to have one of those weddings or something? Because it's okay if you don't want, those things are pretty expensive...

The Boss: ...

The Sorrow: Just putting it out there as a possibility...

(END FLASHBACK)

The Sorrow: Heh...I always was a bit of a romantic, wasn't I?

(doorbell rings)

(The Sorrow opens the door)

The Fear: Hey, buddy!

(audience cheers)

The Fear: Guess what? I found a job!

The Sorrow: Are you the one in charge of shooting the birds down by the airport?

The Fear: Nah, that job's taken. I'm working on this guy's campaign, Voight or something. Not the actor though.

The Sorrow: You? They hired you for that? I mean no offense, but that sort of job does involve some thinking...

The Fear: Yeah, but not much. I just gotta help put a little fear into the voters by providing them with unnecessary worries and stuff. Like, here's a good one: If Kruschev was in charge during World War II, the Nazis would've won.

The Sorrow and The Boss: ...

The Fear: You know, you should join the campaign too, buddy.

The Sorrow: They've already offered me a position.

The Fear: And you didn't take it?

The Sorrow: I really don't think I could do that sort of thing...

The Fear: Why not? It's all about putting a negative spin on things, and you're great at that!

The Sorrow: But I'm miserable.

The Fear: Yeah, and you can use that to make other people miserable!

The Sorrow: ... (prepares to close the door)

The Fear: Hey, wait!

The Sorrow: What is it?

The Fear: (clutching stomach) ...I'm hungry.

The Sorrow: Then go home and eat something.

The Fear: I don't have anything left. This stealth camo always makes me hungry. Could I...stay for dinner?

The Sorrow: ...no, I just don't like you. (closes the door on The Fear)

Announcer: Leave it to Sorrow will be right back after this commercial break!

(Volgin is standing on a porch with a woman and a kid playing his family)

Voiceover: Election times are coming up, and your vote has never been more crucial than now. Colonol Volgin is a hero of the land who is committed to restoring order and ethics back to the government, fighting against the corruption his opponent has created.

Volgin: I'm fighting for our families, because family values are what I care about, and unlike that damn flip-flop Kruschev, I understand the importance of human life.

Boy: ...I forgot my line.

Volgin: You little shit... (begins beating the boy to a pulp, before being cut off by the camera)

Voiceover: Vote pro-life, vote Volgin.

Announcer: And now back to Leave it to Sorrow!

(in the kitchen)

Ocelot: (holding a pie) Hah hah! Thanks to my brilliant act of sabotage, Mother's chances are surely foiled! Once this pie is consumed...

(Ocelot, in his self-praise, fails to notice The Fear, who has snuck into the kitchen under the guise of his stealth camo)

Ocelot: ...however, that foolish Emmerich woman is mistaken when she thinks that this was done to her advantage! No, she is also my target, as I've actually been appointed by...

(The Fear, at the sight of the pie, appears out of his stealth camo)

The Fear: FOOD!

Ocelot: AAAH! IT'S A MONSTER! (runs off in fear from The Fear)

(The Fear begins devouring the pie)

The Fear: IT'S POISON!

(The Boss and The Sorrow enter)

The Boss: What's going on in here?

The Fear: Croak!

The Sorrow: I really need to get new friends...

(End of Chapter 3. Or whatever chapter we're on, I've already lost track)

Review, damn it. I'm very insecure, so if people don't review, I assume people don't like it, and if I assume that people don't like it, I assume that I'll assume that I should just give up and...do something else, probably...I mean, I do have a life.

Clint Eastwood could totally kick John Wayne's ass. End of story.

If life was a movie, I'd be an extra.  
But not just any extra. The kind who tries too hard to grab attention, and is thus cut out from the film entirely.

...that can actually be used as a metaphor for life, I suppose. The movie of course being life. Your part as an extra being the role you play in life, in other words a nobody. And like when an overexcited extra is removed from the scene by the director, if you get too ambitious you'll be smited by god. But that's just depressing.

Vote Christopher Walken for president in 2008.


End file.
